“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
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I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh