Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

This could be us… but you playing

Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

From Facebook just now…

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.

Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.

Alcohol: *ears perk up*

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

Don’t get angry…

…get pizza.

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework