“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
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Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”