When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
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Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill