Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
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I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
“Why you watching this shit?”
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it