Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
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I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.