Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

choose your gary

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]

“I’m wasted.”

“Me too. You know how bad?”

“Don’t say it again.”

“I can’t feel my face.”

“Goddammit, Kevin.”

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.

10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

Me: Can I leave work early?

Boss: Only if you make up the time

Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.