Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
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My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Worst bar ever.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.