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Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
be nice to me or i will put you in the soup
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.