Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
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Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Bond. Trauma bond.
this is funnier than any friends episode
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean