Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
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Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
For anyone who needs this today
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
