Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
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44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Me in tagged photos
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
wut hotdog?
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!