Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!

“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME