Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

Dishonest mechanic?

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week

If snakes were wide

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

I like crazy people until they notice me

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again