Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
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[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Sheep
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
My brain is a bad influence on me
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.