Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers

Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

12653.

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.