Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
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“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.