Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
You Might Also Like
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
My flabber has been gasted.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you