Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
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Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”