Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!

I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:

oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?

DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow

ME: Can I shake hands with people?

DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them

ME: …

DOCTOR: …

ME: …

DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one

INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.