Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle

4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad

Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes

Me: All vans are moving vans LOL

Her: And this is why we’re leaving

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that