Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
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*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now