Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
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This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition