Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference

me: perfect tell me all about it

receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf