Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
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Pringles
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Not today
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
nothing saves money like being antisocial
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?