given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash
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There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
there’s music for literally every activity
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???