Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!

Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

“are you just going to lay in bed all day”

would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

THE AUDACITY. 😤

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites