Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
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Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.