Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

You look like you would fail a DNA test

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?