Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
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Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.