Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
You Might Also Like
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I put the mess in domestic.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.