Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

Me, walking into my mom’s house

16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*

One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?

Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want

All 4 teen boys: *grin*

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

[One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

[dating profile]

Body sculpted by Michelangelo.

The turtle. Not the David dude.

Serious enquiries only.

ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.