Given the memory span of a goldfish…
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Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?