Given the memory span of a goldfish…
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[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
<—- homeless romantic
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.