Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

How to walk around a museum

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

If I had a dollar for every time a first-time pregnant woman looked me in the face and told me she could tell that her baby was gonna have a “chill personality,” I could buy you a Subway™️ sandwich. Not one of the cheap ones either, one of the limited series.

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap