Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
You Might Also Like
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Rambo Rambow
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.