*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
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Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
When you don’t understand how floors work
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
In banana years, I am bread.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
