[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
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Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.