@NoTheOtherJohn

[gives date the “just one sec” sign as I answer my phone] Hello? Oh hi The Pope [I do the hand talking thing to suggest how chatty he is]

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@TheCatWhisprer

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

@The_Grant_Boldt

“Hi can I just have a single burger?”

I’m sorry, all of our burgers are in a relationship

“But that’s not eve-

Please show some respect

@eeethanford

I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.

@patcasey72

Do the the fatty acids get picked on by the other acids?

@subtweetopath

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

@fro_vo

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

@AnnaKei26

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now

@notfaizzy

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.