Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
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NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.