*gives gf a small gift wrapped box*
“aww what’s this, youre so sweet”
*opens it*
“wait, is this my toothbrush?”

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Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right


NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers


As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.


Why are they called library fines and not hush money?


Gym Rat: Bro, I realize chalk helps you grip the bar, but did you really have to cover your whole body in it?

Me, swallowing another powdered donut: Chalk?


in 2016 if i walk in to your place and ask for the wifi password and you give me a paper with 26 letters and numbers i’m leaving


I feel that it’s time to pick the kids up from school..so I’m going to lie down here for a while and wait for that feeling to pass


WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!


[first day on the job as a drug dealer]


“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*


I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.