*gives gf a small gift wrapped box*
“aww what’s this, youre so sweet”
*opens it*
“wait, is this my toothbrush?”

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My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”


I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.


Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.


My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy


Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.


I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”


Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*


At this point I only practice good personal hygiene based on how I would want my body to be found


I never make the same mistake twice. I do it five to six times, just to be sure.


People often ask me if there’s a good reason why I’m sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is