[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
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Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?