[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
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THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.