[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
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5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I see your IQ test came back negative
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
Priorities
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Me too door. Me too.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?