*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
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Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Me, reading some of your tweets
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK