*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
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sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting