Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

Quadruple digit IQ

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.