@Darlainky

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

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@tyrannees

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

@brennadine

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

@turtledumplin

Just had a customer giving me his email and he said “E as in X-ray” 😭

@rationalists

Bill Clinton is so getting laid tonight. Hillary is in Indonesia.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

@jferg1616

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

@stormy_hero

[at wedding]
“I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
Couple kisses
*yelling from the back row
“AWKWAAAARD”

@Boleyngirly

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

@texasstalkermom

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

@Sal0630

I thought a drone was the sound women make when you’re trying to watch the game?