*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
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If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
This line from Airplane.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I ate everything, including the H.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest