How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
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Just had a customer giving me his email and he said “E as in X-ray” 😭
Bill Clinton is so getting laid tonight. Hillary is in Indonesia.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
“I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
*yelling from the back row
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I thought a drone was the sound women make when you’re trying to watch the game?