*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

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How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?


Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.


Just had a customer giving me his email and he said “E as in X-ray” 😭


Bill Clinton is so getting laid tonight. Hillary is in Indonesia.


Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three


Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”


[at wedding]
“I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
Couple kisses
*yelling from the back row


My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”


The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.


I thought a drone was the sound women make when you’re trying to watch the game?