Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

theres been a horrible success at the accident factory

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

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Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir