*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
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Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Me too 😆
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em