Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

I love you…

…r dog.

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting