Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.

Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.

Me: no thank you

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

#parenting

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me