*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
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yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Love this one 😂🧟
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night