*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
You Might Also Like
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Even the dumbest person on social media is still more intelligent than a dolphin.
And that saddens me deeply.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next