*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
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They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
seems fine
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’