*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
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My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?