*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
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ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?