*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
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ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses