Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”

Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.

Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!

When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine