*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
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Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Me when I hear gossip
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
marvel comics have peaked
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
