*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
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“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office