Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

be safe out there!

“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…