Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

My favorite sport ? Lasagna

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project

Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?