*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
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I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.