*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
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Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
the dark web is just a goth google.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”