Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
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Joe was really good at making movie trailers. There was just one problem *car honk* he didn’t have access to the record scratch sound effect
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Me: Girls’ night in!!!
Cat: I’m a cat.
Me: You’re my best friend.
Cat: I’m not even a girl cat.
Me: So it’s like a date?
Cat: Get help.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]