*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
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“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Mornin. * use accordingly
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake