[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
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Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.