[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
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– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description