Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

me: I want to buy some drugs

dealer: are you a cop

me: would I get a discount

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked