[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
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pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Important reminders
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.