[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
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We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?