Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

unbelievably distressed by this ad

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.

WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head

Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me