giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
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Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Oops 🤭
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha