giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
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Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Why did they call it a street sweeper and not a Vroomba
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’