Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

[during sex]

HER: can you turn off the light

ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs